you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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