i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
