3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
