just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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