i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she pinky promised me she was 18
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
