Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
