I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
