Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
