i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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