remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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