I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
