I skipped work to stalk him.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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