You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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