I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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