your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
