I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
