There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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