life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize