I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Is it because I queefed?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
