I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
