Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
