I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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