I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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