Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
