Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My dick has a subreddit
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
