If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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