I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
His hands were made for my vagina.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
