I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
handjob tips. give me some.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
