yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
