I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
