Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
