Everything about him screamed your future.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
