you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
i think my cat just said my name.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
