You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize