im about as happy as oj after his trial
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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