I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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