The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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