So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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