i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
