omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
