I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
