Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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