just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
