he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
