I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you guys were way drunker than both of me
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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