i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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