I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
