I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
