I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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