I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
And then my night got REAL pukey
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
