I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
