dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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