Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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