Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
