Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
