He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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