Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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