so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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