you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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