I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Randomize
