alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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