that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
