i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize