my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
