I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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