There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
