before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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